A Preview of the 2014-2015 Catalog Created by Educational Deformers, Inc.

As technology in the classroom is constantly updated, we mustn't forget the tried and true solutions of the past.  Keeping this in mind, here is the 2014-2015 Catalog by Educational Deformers, Inc.  Peruse some popular items for dealing with unruly and ineffective teachers.  Order now while supplies last.   

1.  Pictured at top, a handsome pillory.  Able to accommodate most teacher sizes.  Optimal for public humiliation of public-school teachers.  Historically, pillories have been used to combat crimes such as treason, witchcraft, drunkenness and, now, teaching in poor neighborhoods with low test scores.

Did someone on your staff commit a higher offense?  Purchase the upgrade.  Available for instant shipping as well as pickup.  

2.  A hot new item with a name brand.  T is for Teacher.  That's good enough for me!  Let the world know of that filthy, vile attachment to a profession that pretends to do service to little children.

3.  For those faint of heart, The Scarlet-Letter version.  Let students know the shame of being a teacher as well as your familiarity with the 19th-century works of Nathaniel Hawthorne.  Never have erudition and humiliation gone so far together, hand in hand!

4.  The teacher dunking chair saves the trouble of routine procedures of due-process and will work well in the post-tenure world.  If teachers are innocent, they will drown.  If they are guilty, they will survive long enough to be stripped of their license, livelihood and dignity.  This product can serve the dual purpose of teaching legal lessons as well as principles of physics!

5.  This particular device, pictured below, will stop divisiveness among staff.  Teachers are discouraged from sharing their opinions in this highly fashionable taste of medieval life.

6.  Go retro again in this upgrade, known as "Scold's Bridle," from the 1500s in Britain.  Let your teachers know that no nonsense will be tolerated.  For fifteen dollars more, add to the shame of your educators by adding the optional bell to the top. 

7.  For those who prefer an Asian twist, straight from China, a new addition to your elementary-school playground.  Never will the children have so much fun at recess at the expense of the teacher, that is, if they're common-core aligned enough to have earned recess.

8.  The wooden collar, or cangue, from China may appear harmless enough.  See below.  Yet, depending upon the APPR scores of the less than effective teacher, boards of different weights may be purchased.  Just imagine trying to eat, sleep or lesson plan with this encumbrance!  Note:  the plank serves the dual purpose of chalkboard.

9.  Maybe one of your teachers failed to impress you, but it's never to late to press them.  Note: boulders not included.  We recommend the use of Common-Core-aligned science and social-studies textbooks.  Call Pearson for details.   

10.  And, for school's whose budgets are tight, we have a time-honored classic:  The Dunce Cap.  It would be cruel to put it on the head of a student, but that shouldn't stop you from buying one for a teacher!