Presidents' Day Sale 2014
Common Core for Your School, Your Home and the Life You Lead!
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Our Kitchen Department
1. No two children are the same, but with our standardized Common-Core Cookie Cutter you'd never know it. Make your whole batch of cookies college and career ready!
Our Bed, Bath and Big Brother Department
2. Trendy Mechanical Eyeballs: If you're not fully aligned with the Common Core in your classroom, those who invested a lot of money have the right to know. With these high-tech eyeballs, you can link your teachers with monitors manned by underpaid workers in Bangladesh. Stock up now. Buy two get one free.
3. Approved by psychologists in 2012 for KIPP schools, you can now have your own luxurious, padding for cells or safety rooms. Comes in one color: soothing white. Shouldn't your unruly kindergarten and first-grade students merit the best?*
*Warning: The padding may not soothe all children. There have been instances of children suffering from severe panic attacks and lingering anxiety.
Our Juniors' Department
4. One size fits all, with our Common Core fashion statement.* With words of wisdom from Mother Teresa emblazoned across your front, you really can't go wrong. Can you?
Handbags and Accessories
5. Was your child among the 70% that failed N.Y. Common-Core aligned state tests? Have no fear! Available for immediate purchase, we introduce the Common- Core Brain Chip because your child or his teacher may never have what it takes! (Installation costs extra).
6. For the Invigilator in your life, blinders to curb potential student cheating. Tested at Kasetsart University in Thailand, students (pictured below) unanimously attest that they are both fun and effective. Now, you and your entire class can share in the experience. Test on!
The Home Decor Department
7. Scantron-Themed Wallpaper will make your little test taker feel at school even when he's back home. Keep the learning coming, 24/7! The wallpaper may be personalized by adding your child's name, subject, date, test number and period!
The Kid's Department
8. On top of a Pearson's mini math textbook, you can now purchase a Common-Core Aligned Standardized Test for your American Doll's backpack, providing her with everything she needs to jumpstart her way to success in life.
Add Doll School Book for $21.99
Add Common-Core Aligned Standardized Test for $97.99
"My daughter and I bonded as we attempted to fill in together the baby bubbles on the doll's miniature standardized test! It was so gosh-darn cute until our test results came back. We failed miserably. My daughter doesn't talk to me anymore."
Relationship to child: Mother
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Rating 5 out of 5
*The American Doll and backpack with accessories are not included. Disclaimer: We are not affiliated with My American Girl® dolls in any way. Neither do we claim that they hold any legal responsibility for the test scores of your dolls.
9. With new Common-Core SS Meds, now available for OTC purchase in 45 States, 4 Territories, D.C. and the Department of Defense Education Activity BX, your child need never do anything less than thrive amid the new, high-stakes testing culture. See our renowned ad below.
The Super-Sales Department!
10. Have you been asked by Students' First NY to protest in favor of the Common Core? What will you wear for the photo ops? Who cares? Boldly display your assembly-line made "Low-Expectations"® poster and make a bold statement about your individuality. Comes in blue or green.