Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to
New York with you. You know the Broad Academy gave me a job as charter operator.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're a charter
operator, you must know all the Hedge Fund owners and educational reformers.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never
met them. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's on
the reforming team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their
names, but you know it seems to me they give these reformers now-a-days very peculiar
names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet
names...like Duncan Doenut
Costello: His brother Doughdoe.
Abbott: Doughdoe Doenut.
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Doe Rhee Mimi.
Abbott: Doe Rhee Mimi Doenut. Well,
let's see, we have the reformers, Who's on Student's First, What's on the Board
of the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation, I Don't Know is on the National
Council on Teacher Quality...
Costello: That's what I want to find
out.
Abbott: I say Who's on Student's First,
What's on the Board of the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation, I Don't Know's on
the National Council on Teacher Quality.
Costello: Are you a Hedge Fund
manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the charter
operator too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the reformers'
names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on Students
First?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean who's the woman who
tapes students' mouths shut.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The woman on Students First who jokes about students
bleeding when they try to take her tape off their mouths.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The woman on Students First.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The woman making all these
reforms for public education...
Abbott: Who is on Students First!
Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on Students
First.
Abbott: That's the woman's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta Student's
First aiming to close public schools, after overlooking a damning set of test
erasures to deal out big merit pay checks, all the while harassing the honest public
servants?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who really is on Students
First?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When the Hedge Fund
managers pay out every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out
is the woman's name on Students First.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The woman that gets...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: She does, every dollar.
Sometimes her husband comes down and collects it.
Costello: Who's husband?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is
when Students First cashes the Hedge Fund manager's check, how does she sign her
name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The woman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does she sign...
Abbott: That's how she signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I'm trying to find out
is what's the woman's name on Students First.
Abbott: No. What is on the Board of
the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation.
Costello: That's a Gated
community. If you're not on the Fortune
500, and especially if you're a career teacher, you can't get in your opinion. It has no value, but you might be able to get
a copy of the Common Core gratis. I'm
not asking you who's on the Board of the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation.
Abbott: Who's on Students First.
Costello: One foundation at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the reformers
around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's
the woman on Students First?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: All right.
PAUSE
Costello: What's the woman's name on
Students First?
Abbott: No. What is on the Board of
the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's
on the Board of the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation.
Abbott: Who's on Students first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on the National Council
on Teacher Quality, we're not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on the
National Council on Teacher Quality?
Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the National
Council on Teacher Quality's name, who did I say is reforming at the National
Council on Teacher Quality?
Abbott: No. Who's reforming on
Students First.
Costello: What's on Students First?
Abbott: What's on the Board of the Bill
and Melissa Gates Foundation.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on the National Council
on Teacher Quality.
Costello: There I go, back on the
National Council on Teacher Quality again!
PAUSE
Costello: Would you just stay on the
National Council on Teacher Quality and don't go off it.
Abbott: All right, what do you want
to know?
Costello: Now who's reforming on the
National Council on Teacher Quality?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting
Who on the National Council on Teacher Quality?
Costello: What am I putting on the
National Council on Teacher Quality?
Abbott: No. What is on the Board of
the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation.
Costello: You don't want who on the Board
of the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation?
Abbott: Who is on Students First.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: The National Council on Teacher Quality!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta other
reformers way out there in Teach for America who think educators don't need
much training or experience. They can
wing it for a couple of years and then rewrite educational policy, as if
they're experts, to the flavor of the month?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: Their names way out there
on Teach for America?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask
you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd
tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who else is
making reforms way out there on Teach for America.
Abbott: Who's reforming at Students
First.
Costello: I'm not... stay out of
that! I want to know what's the reformer's name who's way out there?
Abbott: No, What is on the Board of
the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's
on the Board of the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation.
Abbott: Who's on Students First!
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: The
National Council on Teacher Quality!
PAUSE
Costello: The reformer's names, way
out there, on Teach for America?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's on the Broad
Foundation.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, You gotta Walton
Foundation on this reforming team?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The reformers names in the
Walton Foundation?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me
today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you
gonna tell me who's on the Walton Foundation?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not on
the Walton Foundation.
Costello: I'll break your arm, you
say who's on Students First! I want to know are there any educators with lifetime experience in the
inner city or outer city on the reforming team of the Walton Foundation? What are their names?
Abbott: What's on the Board of the Bill
and Melissa Gates Foundation.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: The
National Council on Teacher Quality!
PAUSE
Costello: Gotta another Success
Charter?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The names in the Success
Charter?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow's on
the Walton Foundation.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of
days worth of reforms.
PAUSE
Costello: You know I'm a charter
operator too. We throw out kids with bad
data.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the spreadsheets
to do some fancy data manipulation for the charter, Tomorrow's on the Walton
Foundation supporting me and a poor test taker comes up. Now the poor test
taker fails the assessment. When he fails the assessment, me, being a good charter
operator, I'm gonna throw the guy out, right back at Students First. So I pick
up the student with failed test in hand and throw 'im to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing
you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm
talking about!
PAUSE
Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the failed kid
to Students First so he can go back to a public school, bring down the data,
fail the school and make it into another profiteering charter.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, if I throw the kid
out at Students First, somebody's gotta get 'im. Now who has 'im?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the kid and I
throw 'im out to Naturally.
Abbott: No you don't, you throw the kid
to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: You're not saying it...
Costello: I throw the kid to
Naturally.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the kid to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the kid to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!
I throw the kid to who. Whoever it is drops the kid and the Hedge Fund managers
profit and run to tell the Board of the Bill and Melissa Gates Foundation. Who
picks up the kid and throws 'im to What. What throws 'im to I Don't Know. I
Don't Know throws 'im back to Tomorrow, Triple play for the reformers. Another
guy gets up and has an I.E.P. with English as a Second Language. He fails the same test given by Because. Why?
I don't know! He's on the National Council on Teacher Quality and I don't give
a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don't give a
darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our C.E.O.
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